I lost my best friend on December 18, 2020. In 8 days it will be 6 months and while I have the occasional “good day” sprinkled in, most are still completely miserable. No one would ever know that because I never say much. I’ve learned that death makes people so uncomfortable so honestly even when people ask me how I’m doing I just say “fine” because no one wants to hear about how I can’t ever even finish cleaning my dishes without having a meltdown. I never want to bore people with the fact that every time my phone rings I expect that it will be more bad news and have the worst panic attacks.

We didn’t have the best childhood but we always had each other. She was 7 & a half years older than me but we were so close our entire lives. She took me everywhere with her when we were younger and nothing changed as we got older and even after we were married. There weren’t many days we didn’t talk to each other. Especially in the last year with the pandemic, we were both just stuck at home and bored. We got even closer than we had been. Any time my husband came home from work and Charlie & I weren’t home he knew the only place we would be was at my sister’s house.

I miss her so much. It physically hurts. She died suddenly. One day I had her and the next I didn’t and I just can’t accept it. I can’t believe how much has gone on and changed without her. I can’t believe I have to do the rest of my life without her. I can’t believe my kids don’t get to grow up with her like I did. She was so amazing.

I think I just need a place to come and write about her and this whole grief journey. I thought I had experienced true heart break in my life but nothing like this. One of my best friends & I had a conversation one day and I told her how I hate that no one I know can relate to the pain you feel losing a close sibling. She had lost a sibling too and I remember her asking me “isn’t it better that not many people can relate?”. That is so true. I would never wish this on anyone. But trying to explain how this whole experience has completely changed my life seems healing to me so I’m going to give it a try.

This is for you, sister.